Thursday, September 17, 2015

Spicy Orange Chicken

Doom was not invited to any supervillain fantasy football leagues this year. This does not surprise Doom. Nothing does. Doom prepares for every contingency, including the high probability that Magneto, Fisk, and Red Skull are cowering cowards who cower cowardly.

They begrudge Doom's triumph last year when Team You Put the Doom Doom Into My Heart thrashed their pathetic squads of jerk losers. You slept on Jordy Nelson, morons. You got got. Doom spent the winnings on baubles and trinkets. Your money means nothing to one who rules a kingdom. Your tears of failure are all the currency Doom desires.

Now that Doom's weeks and weekends are unencumbered with number crunching and smack-talk emails, other matters may take precedence. One cannot prepare too soon for Halloween. Already Doombots and Latverian peasants harvest the genetically modified pumpkins which grow with a variety of faces. We need not lose time to carving faces. No, our gourds sprout and swell even now with the tortured visages of Doom's enemies. Rows of Accursed Richards jerk o'lanterns will adorn Doom's porch in anticipation of children dressed as he. No other costumes are allowed. All adults eagerly bestow the finest candies upon Dooms of all ages, as is only proper.

Doom himself requires naught that evening but the greatest of all confection: Krackel candy bars. By the dark gods, that stuff is the business.

As is Doom's latest dish, direct from the culinary grimoire passed down from Doom's dear mother. Attend and savor, weaklings.


One package of chicken thighs
1 red bell pepper, seeded and diced
1 tablespoon Cayenne powder
8 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
1/2 cup olive oil
2 tablespoons dried thyme leaves
2 tablespoons pepper flakes
2 tablespoons ground black pepper
2 tablespoons paprika
2 oranges

Doom commands you to:

Combine the red pepper, powder, cloves, and oil in a blender or food processor. Puree until smooth.

Pour into a bowl and add thyme, flakes, pepper, paprika, and the zest and juice of the oranges. Mix thoroughly.

Pour mixture onto chicken in a closed bowl or Ziploc bag and let sit in a fridge for at least three hours. Overnight is preferable. One week is negligence.

Bake chicken in a 400-degree oven for approximately 45 minutes, slightly longer for a gas oven.

For a side dish, use the same time and temperature for a pan of diced potatoes stirred with olive oil, cilantro, oregano, and basil.

Remove chicken and add dashes of salt to each piece. This cuts the strength of the juice, which will otherwise overpower the dish. (Why not use less juice? DO NOT QUESTION DOOM.)

Serve with potatoes.

Reserve time to praise Doom's name between bites.