Friday, December 14, 2012

Chicken Pot Pie

What is that? Where has Doom been all this time? Doom has toiled, peasants. Beholdify!

1) Doom once more removed the blight you call the National Hockey League. Doom shall tolerate none of this accursed ice lacrosse until you all admit the Latverian Victors are the superior puck slappers.

2) Doom's Boehnerbot has once more ground your legislative gears into inertia. Again, you see the wisdom of rejecting the democratic system in favor of one true ruler, and Doom-o is his name-o.

3) Doom successfully launched the low-orbit Droptrooper in an experiment hailed throughout the world. The astronaut who leapt from 24 miles above your continent? One of Doom's elite guard. If you exalted in the descent of one such man, you will lose your minds in glee when thousands do likewise. And The Accursed Richards shan't save you. It will be exactly like Red Dawn except good and successful.

4) Doom redid his cupboards.

5) Via the 'Gangnam Style' video, Doom's Psybot has installed within your feeble brain caves the subliminal suggestion through which Doom shall control your every move. Prepare to horsey dance your way into abject slavery, fools.

6) And Doom has perfected a recipe long dwelling within the Gypsy Mama Cookbook.

Chicken Pot Pie
3 cups diced chicken (or 12-ounce can of tuna, drained)
2 cups chicken broth
2/3 cup milk
1 cup diced carrots
1 cup diced celery (original recipe calls for peas. DOOM ABIDES NO PEAS.)
1/3 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup butter
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 to 2 9-inch pie crust rolls

Doom commands you to ...

Cook the chicken in large saucepan. Nothing fancy here, but you can season to taste. Just brown it over medium heat. You don't want raw chicken in the pie mixture as it bakes. Remove chicken from pan.

Melt butter in the pan over medium heat. Stir in onion, flour, and seasonings. Stir constantly until mixture bubbles. Remove from heat and add milk and broth*.

(*Did you plan to use frozen broth? Did you forget to thaw it? No problem. Fill a quarter of a pasta pot with water. Place broth box in the pot and weigh down with something heavy and sturdy. I used a ceramic mortar. Make sure the box is completely submerged. Warm water on low heat for 15 minutes, uncovered, and the broth will be completely thawed.)

Return to heat and boil, stirring constantly. After a minute of boiling, remove from heat and add carrots, celery, and chicken.

Prepare your pie pan/dish with crust rolls, following instructions on crust package. Doom prefers using two crusts for each pie, one on the bottom of the pan. Pour pan contents onto bottom crust and top with second crust. Wrap crust edges in foil to prevent burning.

Bake in 425-degree oven for 35 minutes.

Inhale that mess.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Skillet Chili Lasagna

Doom has the sniffles, if you must know. Doom is ever beset by allergies this time of year, and his otherwise perfect face is a dripping honeycomb crammed with sleepy bees. Is this a picnic? It is not a picnic. However, Doom is undaunted. Doom wouldn't know a daunt if Doom found one floating in the punchbowl.Things need doing.

Doom knows what you're thinking. Doom always does. The song 'Eye in the Sky' by The Alan Parsons Project? That was written about Doom. You're thinking -- a charitable classification for your low cognition -- that it must be a hoot to hear The Exalted One suffer from allergies while clad in his glorious mask. How can you linger to catch Doom unawares in this moment of vulnerability? You want to skulk about until the moment presents itself. Doom advises thus: You betta don't. Doom has destroyed greater men for lesser acts.

But Doom will confess that measures are taken to assuage the symptoms, among them: spicy fare. The sinuses crack open like the seals of Armageddon, and Doom may once more inhale a heady rush of Latverian night air. For a time, unfortunately. Only for a time. And then Doom's nasal cavity collapses like a black hole, with a proportionate gravitational tug from which nary a wisp of exhalation may escape. And once more into despair and anger does Doom tumble.

Richards never has such colds. Doom knows this. 'Eye in the Sky,' remember. Therefore, Richards hoards the secrets of evading allergy attacks for the benefit alone of his own dullard family. Such greed is the hallmark of a small mind. A petty mind. A mind wracked with envy for Doom's wonder. Richards would share this secret if he could but guarantee Doom's suffering would continue. But he needs to see Doom brought low to bolster his own stature.

Doom then will bear this affliction with pride, for its continuance only proves the feeble ego of one Reed Richards. And Doom will eat heartily upon his culinary creation even as Richards dines upon his own heart.

Skillet Chili Lasagna

1 pound ground meat (turkey, pork, beef, Reed Richards's favorite pet, what have you)
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 red/white onion chopped
3 cloves garlic
1 28-ounce can diced tomatoes, undrained
2 cups crumbled tortilla chips
1 cup grated Monterrey jack pepper cheese

Doom commands you to  ...

Heat the meat, garlic and onion in a medium-hot skillet. (Take heed: One may use a large sauce pan, but this will provide a dish merely delicious, not transcendent. If one has a real iron skillet, one is directed to use it here.) When the meat is brown, pour out any significant grease.

Add tomatoes, chili powder, and cumin. Bring tomatoes to a boil before turning heat to low. Constantly stir sauce until it thickens appreciably.

Plate chili and cover with grated cheese and and chip debris.


Friday, May 11, 2012

Maple Syrup Butter Pork Chops

Well well well, The Avengers made some money last weekend. La dee [CENSORED] dah.

Doom makes that much money in Doom pencil toppers. Doombots find that much in pocket change when they do Doom's laundry. Doom is not impressed. And Doom is certainly not affected by the complete lack of Doom in this film. 

AVENGERS SPOILERS: No Doom. Doom just saved you eight bucks. Buy Doom pencil toppers. There. Another quabillion for Doom.

No, The Rightful Ruler of All was much too busy to appear in your tiny independent film for that paltry niche market of everybody. Doom cares not a whit. The Doom Twitter feed has unfollowed everyone who made mention of this gaudy hero parade, and the blessed silence leaves Doom alone with the mighty thoughts that humble all men.

For instance, Doom has solved a riddle that has pestered your tiny brains for eons: How to prepare consecutive pork/pecan dishes while maintaining novelty and appeal? The answer is clear: maple syrup. Eat that, Richards. Eat it with a fork of pain.

And you! You must dine upon this as well!


Doom commands you to gather yon vittles:

4 pork loin chops, cut nearly an inch thick
black pepper
1/3 cup butter, softened
3 tablespoons maple syrup
1/2 cup pecan pieces, toasted in a low-heat pan or in low-heat oven

Coat pork chops in pinches of salt and pepper.

Heat 1 tablespoon of the softened butter in a medium-hot pan. Place chops in pan and cook 15 minutes, turning once. Remove chops from the pan.

Mix remaining butter with the syrup and pour over chops. Let chops cool, thickening the syrup mixture.

Sprinkle chops with pecan pieces.

Serve with a side that is not sweet, such as sweet potatoes. Baked vegetables go well. For instance, cut two golden delicious apples, one red onion, and two bell peppers into bite-sized chunks, coat with oregano and basil, and roast in a 400-degree pan for 30 minutes.

Doom commands you to relish.

So you shall.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Pecan Porkloin

Does the absence of crushing snowstorms cast a shadow over your heart? Does this mild winter, with its cozy sunlight and gentle breezes, reduce you to cringing terror? Of course not, fools. You are heartened. Spring as emerged from its hen's egg with shocking speed, and you reel in sudden joy mixed with a gratitude in need of a subject.

Look no further than Doom, for it is he who has granted you this boon. Doom's Weather Dominator (cribbed from the late Laird James McCullen Destro XXIV) delivers unto yon gibbering masses the comfort of blue skies and jean shorts. So when you bitch about Doom's absence from this journal as of late, keep in mind this: DOOM HAS BEEN BUSY.

Is it not enough to know that Doom has sabotaged thousands of March Madness brackets with but a snap of Doom's glorious fingers? (Ask why, striplings, and Doom will spin a tale of revenge for the annual tournament omission of the University of Latveria Victors.) Is it not enough that Doom brought back Mad Men? Doom is not a happiness vending machine!

Fine. Here. Have yet another recipe from the culinary grimoire of Doom's enchanted pantry.

Gird yourself for the glory of PECAN PORKLOIN!

Gather ye these vittles:
+ Approx. one pound pork tenderloin
+ 1 tablespoon water
+ 2 tablespoon dijon mustard
+ one beaten egg
+ 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
+ 1 cup flour
+ 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
+ 3/4 cup fine ground/chopped pecans
+ 3/4 cup fine bread crumbs
+ 2 tablespoons cooking oil

Doom commands you to:
Place flour in a third bowl.

Combine mustard, egg, cayenne, and water in a separate bowl.

Combine pecan and bread crumbs in third bowl. These create a dredging system for the pork.

Slice pork into 1/4 or 1/2-inch medallions. Coat pork with flour, then dip into egg mixture and dredge in pecan mix.

Fry slices in medium-high oil in a large skillet. Cook for eight minutes total, turning once.

The pork will appear thus:

A possible side dish is baked apple chunks. Doom prefers baked Granny Smith apples:

Cut two large, unpeeled Granny Smiths into bite-sized chunks. Sprinkle with salt and bake uncovered at 400 degrees for a half-hour.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Greek Pot Casserole

Doombot Newt has stumbled in his campaign to be Doom's proxy in America. Doom is displeased. Doom spent countless hours (well, countless for Richards because it was more than four) assembling the perfect Doombot for this mission. Doom should receive praise solely for not applying his sterling visage onto this candidate avatar. The physical perfection alone would win the vote of all the Americans. But that victory would ring hollow. It might satisfy lesser men (hello, Richards), but for a Von Doom, such simple wins aren't worth getting out of bed.

So why, we must ponder, is Doombot Newt faltering? Not for the scope of ideas. Doom shan't apologize for those. Doom's notions cannot be presented in low resolution for the masses. The ideas of Doom are hi-def all the way, peasants. It is for you to catch up. Evolve yourselves. Moon bases are merely the tip of the genius iceberg upon which your feeble brains crash and founder.

No, Doom saddled his automaton with a ludicrous moral orientation and poor physiology to make the campaign competitive. But behold! Doom, once again, surpassed his own standard! Even subconsciously Doom excels. Doom is not surprised to be surprised by his accomplishments. Doom's effortless brilliance is an all-day lollipop.

Speaking of abundance of glory, Doom brings to you a recipe that will provide copious leftovers, perfect for bolstering all in winter's grasp.

Greek Pot Casserole
There exist recipes for meals that will not last beyond that night's repast. This is not one of them. This is a dogpile of grub to provide quick, hearty meals to warm your bones.

16 ounces ground beef/lamb
1 large onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic
20 ounces beef broth
1 box elbow macaroni
2 cups carrots, chopped
2 cups cauliflower, chopped
1 28-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 small can tomato paste
2 tablespoons crushed marjoram
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon crushed nutmeg
1 cup feta cheese crumbles

Doom commands you to:

+ Put meat, garlic, onion, and vegetables in your largest pot over medium heat for ten minutes or until meat is browned.

+ Add macaroni and broth to mixture. Bring to boiling and reduce to simmer, covered, for ten minutes.

+Add tomatoes, paste, and herbs/spices to mixture. Bring again to boil before simmering for at least ten minutes.

+ Serve under cheese crumbles.

Behold Doom's own cornucopia:

Monday, January 2, 2012

Cajun Chicken Sandwiches

Greasy Doom Biscuits, it's getting cold out there. Doom can barely stand to observe Latveria's populace practice their annual Chinese New Year parade routines in the rising snowbanks. The wailing, the pleads for shelter and warmth -- it gets old, people. Doom cannot abide repetition on such a scale.

It's in that same mindset (brilliant, piercing, correct) that Doom suggests we move away from the usual baked dishes and fried entrees. Let us explore a new dish as we huddle for warmth in this brutal winter and bolster each other with our common humanity.


Doom actually is still shoveling out from under all these party leftovers. That means the massive freezer must be emptied to accommodate these pies and cakes. Doom can scarcely toss them out, you understand, even with your paltry brains. Doom may as well give them to those rehearsing peasants.


Oh, Doom is on a roll today. Doom still has it.Walk with Doom to the pantry. Take in Doom's glory once more as Doom concocts a meal to fend off this chill.

Cajun Chicken Sandwiches
1 pound boneless chicken fillets (or pork or fish)
1/4 cup Thousand Island dressing
Tabasco sauce/hot sauce
1 red pepper
1/2 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese
four hamburger buns
olive oil
Cajun Seasoning (equal parts onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, ground cayenne pepper, & paprika)

Doom commands you to:

+ Combine seasoning ingredients in a saucer or bowl and set aside.

+ Combine dressing and several dashes of hot sauce to taste. It will take quite a bit of sauce to add kick to that much dressing, but you'll use it all as a sandwich spread.

+ Place meat pieces in Ziplock bag(s) and flatten with a meat tenderizer/mallet to about 1/2 inch thickness.

+ Brush oil on meat and sprinkle cajun seasoning liberally on both sides of meat.

+ Broil or grill chicken for roughly 12 minutes, turning once.

+ Cut pepper into slim strips. 

+ Toast buns (and spread with butter if preferred). Spread hot dressing mix onto bun tops and bottoms.

+ Assemble sandwiches with meat, pepper, and cheese. Add tomato, lettuce, or other topping to taste.

+ Devour and wonder why you made so few.