Thursday, October 17, 2013

Cutthroat Kitchen


Doom has granted Cutthroat Kitchen, the new Food Network game show, a few weeks of his attention, and Doom has concluded thus: It's fatally flawed.

The premise is this: Four chefs are given an item to prepare -- tacos, fried chicken and a side, spaghetti and meatballs, etc. They have 60 seconds to grab items from a pantry. They are each given $25,000 and to bid on items to improve their meals or sabotage their competitors. They might give themselves better cuts of meat or make another chef cook exclusively with a campsite burner. Some chefs suffer multiple sabotages in each round. The chefs have a certain time to cook the item. Halfway through, they may bid on yet another sabotage. At the end of the time, a guest chef judges the dishes and eliminates one competitor round by round until one is left. The winner gets to keep whatever money he has left after all the auctions.

The problem is this: The dish is considered a success the closer it comes to the platonic ideal of that dish. For instance, when a chef cannot make spaghetti because he has lost his noodles in a sabotage, that chef loses the round because he has not made "spaghetti and meatballs."

The show demands the competitors react to curveballs and outright cruelty. The judge knows this but they are not told the specific sabotage the chefs have suffered. The majority of chefs have been eliminated because the end result of their improvisation and salvage has not produced the classic example of the requested dish. And the show is designed to make that nigh-impossible. Flavor and creativity and effort and resolve mean squat.The Accursed Richards could be judged the superior chef over Doom (yes, even over DOOM) merely because he stole Doom's ingredients.

One could argue this mirrors the chaos of a real kitchen. The customers don't know what happens behind those doors as their dish is prepared. But, the judge has not requested the food. He has not decided a longtime favorite or tried something new. He is informed after the food is made what the chef has been told to make. And the judge-chef decides which dish best matches that title regardless of available ingredients and resources. Again, the chefs' success is determined almost exclusively by the expectation of the judge based on a meal he didn't order.

In Chopped and Iron Chef, the judges of course don't choose the meals. But they know what the chefs have to work with and how they adjusted to hiccups in their limited cooking time. They take into account the effort in preparing the meal in addition to how successful those efforts are compared to other chefs.

In Cutthroat Kitchen, a show named for the many opportunities for sabotage, food is judged with no regard for that sabotage or the responses to it. That strikes Doom as silly. As silly as the Accursed Richards making taco deemed superior than Doom's.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Chopped All-Stars 2013


Doom bestows this small kindness upon you: Doom is about spoil this year's Chopped All-Stars competition, so begone if you have yet to watch.

All clear? Good.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE %$#@ KIDDING DOOM.

Doom spoke about last year's Chopped All-Stars here and sighed with deep relief when a Chopped judge failed to win the whole shebang. That loss maintained the integrity of the show. Because, otherwise, they could skip the farce and give the $50,000 charity donation to a judge picked at random.

This year, what happens? A Chopped judge won it all.

Now. Yes. These people are chefs. They can cook. They know of where they speak. And Doom correctly (no shock) picked Scott Conant to emerge from the judge bracket. Doom begrudges Conant nothing in being the better chef among the judges. One Victor recognizes another.

But the presentation of an open competition is besmirched when, in truth,12 invited competitors have a one-in-three shot at facing a judge in the last dessert round of the final episode.

(Shut up, Richards. Doom's math is unassailable! Doom will prepare a recipe just for you: A raw bug. Cooking directions: Find one bug. Go and eat it!)

Chopped All-Stars should be called Beat the Judge, with 12 potentials squaring off to take on a representative of the Chopped citadel.This is the proper manner of presentation. At the very least, instead of one tournament bracket being all judges, guaranteeing a judge finalist, the four judges should be mixed within the four categories. That way, it's possible there will be no judges in the finals.

(Is it possible two or more judges will make the finals? Doom supposes. But it's less likely.)

Also of note: Last year's runner-up judge Aaron Sanchez was a judge in this year's finals. That must be addressed.

Two last things:
1) Give Lailah Ali a cooking show yesterday. Unlike the cackling blond grotesques Food TV foists upon us, Ali has true charm and skills.  Doom would watch her show always.

2) Nadia G will come back and wax the competition like Beatrix Kiddo. Bet on it.

Doom out.