Friday, June 24, 2011

Spaghetti Bucket

Doom is giddy. Doom is bursting at the seams of his marvelous armor. Doom has a secret to tell from Doom's electrical well. It's a simple message, and Doom is not leaving out the whistles and bells.

Doom wishes to bequeath to you the delicious bounty to be enjoyed from a simple kitchen technique, and it is called the Spaghetti Bucket.

Wait, cur. Doom shall do this properly. Doom cues the formatting.

Spaghetti Bucket
There are many recipes for making spaghetti at home, Doom knows, and Doom demeans none which may have passed down through the gnarled hands of your ancestors. Doom is also aware that many of Doom's audience may only know the flaccid joy of store-bought spaghetti sauce. Doom has set his sights on this horror, and Doom shall eradicate it. Gird yourselves.

The Spaghetti Bucket is a simple thing: When cutting vegetables for various recipes, Doom commands that you set aside a small portion to retain in your freezer. Doom repeats: Freezer. Do not attempt to keep a Spaghetti Bucket in your fridge, weak mortals. This will lead to sadness, the kind known before only to That Accursed Richards as he realizes daily that he is inferior to The Man Named Doom.

In this bucket, or whatever container and size you choose, the accumulated vegetable chunks will be preserved. Doom also provides this special bonus tip because he is generous: If you deglaze pans with cooking wine, do not pour it down the drain when finished. Instead, Doom suggests you add it to the bucket. When the container is full, Doom commands you to thaw it and heed you this ratio:
  • 3/4 spaghetti bucket ingredients
  • 1/4 protein of choice browned in a skillet with oil and seasonings. Doom declares you will not use salt. Doom explains later.
  • at least 8 ounces tomato paste (canned is acceptable to Doom)
  • at least 14.5 ounces diced tomatoes (again, Doom permits canned varieties)
  • dashes of cumin, oregano, black pepper. Again, Doom declares you shall not use salt.
Doom commands you to combine ingredients in a large pot and boil before simmering. Stir often, if you would appease Doom. The sauce should reduce for at least ten minutes.

Doom allows you to prepare the noodles as you desire. Doom doesn't care which type, although Doom prefers penne. Doom enjoys saying the word. Penne. Penne. There. Doom is now delighted.

Doom commands you to drain noodles and add to spaghetti pot to combine thoroughly.

Now, Doom strongly advises you to top the dish with crumbled feta cheese. Yes, yes, "Parmesan," you protest. Everyone reaches for the Parmesan when making spaghetti. Doom mocks them thus: Blah blah blah. Dare to scale the culinary heights with Doom. Dare to reach instead for feta. This will provide all the salt you wrongfully think you needed beforehand. Doom will wait for you to inevitably admit Doom is right. Doom is patient.

1 comment:

  1. I am ridiculously happy this recipe/how-to make its way here! I no longer have to covet Her AMAZING sauce via memory!

    ReplyDelete