Friday, April 1, 2011

Fried Chicken

When the Great Victor Von Doom seeks respite from governing the filthy peasantry of Latveria (and the constant scheming for the downfall of that accursed Reed Richards), Doom likes to whip up some fried chicken. Doom graciously bequeaths to you all the secret Gypsy Momma Recipe handed likewise to Doom from his Beloved Mother.
To begin this epicurean delight, Doom commands you to thaw boneless chicken breasts.

Doom commands you to mix equal parts kosher salt, cayenne pepper, and garlic powder in a Parmesan cheese shaker.

Doom commands you to shake an acceptable amount of the spices into a bowl of wheat flour.

Doom commands you to soak the chicken with milk, water or egg for no longer than 20 seconds.

Doom commands you to then coat the breasts with seasoned bread crumbs, available to all at Doom-Mart.

Doom commands you heat a skillet with a liberal coating of peanut oil.

Doom commands you solve the conundrum of Doom’s Nuclear Reed Richards Exploder: Does Doom require more purloined energy from the Negative Zone to power the engine or does the problem lie with the transfer coils? The matter is too mundane for Doom’s brilliance, otherwise Doom would need not your aid. What? Of course Doom can fix it if Doom really wanted. Doom is merely preoccupied with the delicious chicken. QUESTION NOT DOOM!

Doom commands you to cook the chicken on high heat for ten minutes, then flip and cook for another ten.

During this, Doom commands you make Stove Top Stuffing, the one weakness Doom will confess. Remove the chicken, apply them to your plates without draining and consume the glory of the Gypsy Momma Recipe.

Swear fealty to Doom and fetch Doom some tea from the Beacon Drive-In. It washes the taste of confounding defeat from Doom’s mouth. Doom remembers the days before he heard of that accursed Richards. Doom longs for such halcyon days. Doom … Doom just wants to be alone for awhile. Bother Doom no more. Hast thou seen Doom’s copy of the latest Cosmopolitan? Doom requires a soak in the Doom Tub. Doom needs none but the company of the Doom Ducky which alone grasps the burden of genius Doom carries each day.

Begone!

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