Friday, April 1, 2011


The arrival of spring affects even Doom. Yea, Doom feels revived and free of winter's lethargy. Doom enjoys watching the frost vaporize from Doom's armor in the sunlight. And Doom considers the future.

Doom's physical shell is mortal, as yours is. But unlike your pathetic and impotent existence, Doom's will shall continue long after Doom's bones are powder. Doom has foreseen this. Doom has prepared. The methods Doom employs to extend Doom's glorious reign over this world are surely beyond your verminous minds. But be assured, Constant Reader, Doom endures. Doom ever endures. 

These lofty notions tax your comprehension, and Doom is not without pity for your plight. Doom bestows to you now a culinary delight, a magnificent feast to distract you from the limits of the body. In fact, Doom is aware (as Doom is of all things) that such a meal will allow you to fully exploit your sad form's sensory registers. Doom's Latverian Lasagna is the vehicle through you which you may briefly and minutely know the constant glory of Doom. Regard this as "Doom in a dish" as well as such a notion can be manifest.

You partake of Doom thus. You accept this boon with full gratitude. And this also shall ever endure.

Gather to your kitchen:
16 ounces of ground beef or pork sausage (Doom warns you to buy the sausage for therein lies spices that will hasten your cooking time.)
3 cloves minced garlic
1 chopped onion
14.5 ounce can undrained diced tomatoes
8 ounce can tomato paste
1 tablespoon black pepper
6-8 dried lasagna noodles
1 beaten egg
2 cups cream cheese (Doom warns you to look for the "small curd" or "cream style" variety)
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
8 ounces shredded Mozzarella cheese

Doom commands you to combine meat, onion, garlic in a skillet on medium heat. Stir until meat is brown. Drain any excess moisture.

Dom commands you to add tomatoes, paste, and pepper to the skillet. Heat to boiling and simmer for 15 minutes with the lid on. Stir a few times. Doom is watching. Doom will know.

While the sauce cooks, Doom commands you to boil the noodles.

As the noodles boil, Doom commands you to combine the beaten egg, Parmesan, and Mozzarella in a bowl.

When the sauce is cooked, Doom commands you to turn off the heat to the skillet and drain the noodles. Rinse the noodles with cold water. Your ingredients are now ready for mixing, and you will obey Doom's process:

Into a 2-quart baking dish, you will spoon a small amount of sauce. Add half of noodles side-by-side to cover the sauce. Atop this, you will add half the sauce. Atop that, you will add half the cheese mixture. You shall top with remaining noodles, then add the rest of the sauce and top with remaining cheese. To attempt it otherwise is to invite madness.

Doom commands you to bake for 35 minutes at 375 degrees. Remove from oven and allow to stand.

Doom commands you to savor the lasagna and praise his name.

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